


Fighting the Tide

by NovakSunshine



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Phil Lester Is A Sweetheart, References to Depression, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 08:16:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21714193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NovakSunshine/pseuds/NovakSunshine
Summary: Dan hasn’t self harmed in years, so when Phil wakes up with Dan next to him, arms covered in red lines his mind goes the darkest place. Or I write a drabble about Dan using a red pen to keep the demons at bay until Phil chases them away.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Kudos: 55





	Fighting the Tide

It wasn’t unusual for Phil to fall asleep before Dan. Most nights they’d fall into bed together, sometimes Phil would wake up and find Dan asleep on the sofa with his Mac still open on his lap, other nights he found Dan asleep in his own monochrome room. Which wasn’t weird, he’s always known Dan needs space and an escape route. Phil doesn’t remember Dan coming to bed last night, but as he rolls over and slowly wakes up, he comes face to face with a head of brown curls fast asleep on the pillow next to him. Deciding to lay there for a while longer he automatically reaches out for the younger’s hand, a reflex which is stopped when he notices thick red lines covering Dan’s forearms. Blinking a few times and with some squinting without his contacts Phil manages to confirm the red lines are drawn with a red marker and nothing more. Still the sight makes him feel a bit sick. Phil knows better than anyone that Dan is no stranger to darkness, that it creeps into his thoughts and through his defences no matter how hard he fights. He knows that the darkness is an icy cold current of a wild ocean that slowly inches further and deeper in Dan’s lungs, the more he tries to stay above water the more vicious and dangerous the tide becomes. He’s done the research, he’s read every list on the internet, how to distract from self harming. From taking a walk to snapping a rubber band, and Dan setting his jaw and casting his eyes down while mumbling that none of that works. Drawing or painting on yourself with red is on nearly every list, but did it work? Did Dan mean for him to see this? He was wearing a long sleeve shirt which wasn’t that strange, it was pretty cold for this time of year. Biting his lip Phil worries what to say, he doesn’t want to bring up the subject if it’s going to be triggering but he also doesn’t want to ignore it in case Dan is struggling. He can’t be sure but Phil thinks it’s been years since the last time Dan actually hurt himself on purpose. But doubt slowly builds up as he wonders if he hasn’t been paying enough attention, has Dan been quietly battling his own war on his own for months? He mentally digs through conversations, messages and the overwhelming what ifs keep jamming in his brain. 

It takes Dan a while to figure what’s going on, he doesn’t really remember coming to bed but here he is, still completely exhausted while Phil is breathing faster and faster next to him. He reaches out, eyes still closed and mind foggy. His fingers brush Phil’s jaw just barely,  
“Wha-s the matter?” Dan wonders tiredly, his fingers making their way into black hair softly. He feels fingers wrapping around his wrist and the pressure snaps him back to last night. He sits up too quickly and immediately feels dizzy, bringing both hands to cover his eyes from the light spilling in. Although he can’t see Dan feels the bed shift and he slowly uncovers his face, which brings his eyes down to his own arms. He traces the lines firmly with his thumb watching the marker smudge slightly under the warmth.  
“It’s just marker.” Dan states, hoping that much was obvious.  
“I know, I just saw and my brain starting panicking”  
“I’m sorry, I really should have washed it off before coming to bed. Honestly I don’t really know what I was thinking...” Dan trails off, it’s not a lie but it’s not the whole truth either. Phil takes both his hands in his own.  
“I know it’s such a cliche Dan, but I am here for you, always. Do you want to me remind you more?”  
“I didn’t forget last night, I just, I don’t know. I’m 26 years old and I still can’t deal with stress without wanting to do this.” Dan looks down at his arms,  
“I haven’t got a reason to be sad anymore, I just want to stop my mind going there at all.”  
“You know that’s not how this works, depression doesn’t discriminate Dan. It doesn’t care how many reasons you have to be happy. There will always be something to worry about, something to make a good day a bad one. But I will always be here to fight with you, even when you don’t want me to.” Phil pulls Dan in a bit closer, kissing his hair gently,  
“Look, you didn’t even need me this round, you fought all on your own and won.” Phil runs his thumb along a red line of Dan’s wrist.  
“Knowing I have you in my corner was all the strength I needed Phil.” Dan looks up at his fiercest defender, the darkness in this veins lifts its hold just slightly. His chest feels a bit less crushed with dark oceans.  
They stayed pressed together as the light became warmer and warmer, still worn out Dan feels himself drifting but he’s no longer alone. The fog in his mind clears as he closes his eyes, listening to Phil murmur how he’ll always lend Dan his strength when the darkness falls. Which is all he needs to know to fall asleep, free from the dangerous dark rip tides until the next battle. And he’ll win the next one too.


End file.
